6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously