My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
not seeing the problem
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!