Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.