If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.