i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house