Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving