Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Customer is always right
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
God, I love Scotland
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.