Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Pot warmers of the day.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that