[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Great, now I have to pee.”