Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.