The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Bike for sale
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!