Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
HOW DARE YOU
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.