If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You Might Also Like
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me