GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
The Joker was right
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Employees must applaud the planets.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.