Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.