you gotta be faster
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I will never stop laughing at this
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
same energy
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy