He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
is this how new cars are made??
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.