IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Google assistant rules
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
*me flirting
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.