This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Who.
Did.
This?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
selfie game
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas