Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Wikigenius
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.