Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
You Might Also Like
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Lmaoo 😂
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote