Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
You Might Also Like
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.