me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.