Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
i love modern commerce
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.