Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically