If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Have kids, they said
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
good work, everybody
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”