You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.