me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
💁🏻♂️
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!