Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Hot Hot Hot
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
#polloftheday