Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Hit me in the face with a bird
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”