The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*