How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.