*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician