I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.