Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.