this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.