Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed