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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The only equipped I am is ill.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches