I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
You Might Also Like
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
bout dat hot dog summer
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.