sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine