Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Ummm
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
some cats are just doing for fun!
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.