I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Guilty! 🤪
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
what kind of cook setting is this??
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…