[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Bread puns are on the rise!
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”