My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
why I oughta
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My work here is don’t.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.