ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?