Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“TGIM!” – My liver
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn