I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November