Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments