My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
🤣😈🤣
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal