Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me: